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"Eat Your Brain? Claire, That's Disgusting." [Sep. 23rd, 2008|09:20 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Mood |bouncy]

Hey hey.

I have a consultation-type appointment with a university therapist today at noon, and I set up an appointment with another practice for the 30th at 10:30.  If I'm accepted into the university therapy group, I'll start weekly sessions on the 29th - finally, some progress.  It's nice to know that I'll be able to talk about some of this.  My mom came up this weekend, but I'm sorry to say I wasn't exactly forthcoming with her.  I let her know that I've been feeling depressed, and gave her some of the reasons, but I didn't own up to all the binging and purging.  I thought about it, but in the end I couldn't do it.  I'm not sure if it was my eating disorder trying to cling onto existence or my reluctance to leave this school (because believe me, if she'd heard I was b/p-ing three times a day, I'd be home right now).  But either way, I did something kind of drastic.  To me, anyway.

I finally admitted that if things didn't improve with therapy by winter break, I'll have to go home.  Of course, "improve" means different things to me and my mom at the moment, but essentially what I want is to 1) not want to die; and 2) regulate my eating disordered behavior - that doesn't mean stop entirely, that's unrealistic at this point, but if I could even get it down to throwing up once a day that would be a huge improvement.  Which is actually kind of sad if you think about it.

But enough with that stuff, since I'll probably post more later today with more detail.  Different subject: I saw the season premiere of Heroes last night, and I'm seriously pumped for this season.  Season (Volume?) 2 kind of dragged, which was disappointing, but from what I've read about this season it seems like they'll do a better job of carrying the momentum of the first two episodes through the entire season this time.  

( Spoiler-ish )

More importantly, HOUSE IS ON TONIGHT and I'm so excited!  The end of the premiere was like a punch to the gut and I've been freaking out in the back of my mind ever since.  And on Wednesdays I usually watch ANTM, but I might skip that this week in favor of seeing a guy I know read some of his fiction at this open mike thing.  I just have to figure out where "Public Space One" is.  And then Thursday I'll hopefully catch the premiere of The Office, unless it conflicts with the premiere of Grey's Anatomy (I think that's this Thursday?) because I promised a friend I'd watch that with her.  I hope not, though, because The Office is seriously > Grey's Anatomy.

...When the hell did my life start revolving around TV?  Anyway, I'm going to eat breakfast now.  Later gators.

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

Haunt You Every Day [Sep. 19th, 2008|04:47 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[Mood |morose]
[Music |A Perfect Circle: "Orestes"]

I've started a lot of entries since I last posted, but in the end never felt like I was writing anything worth writing.  It's been a bad week.  In general, and especially in terms of my eating disorder - just crappy.  And now it's almost five a.m. and I might be pulling my second all-nighter this week.  It gets old, you know?  All of it.

I guess I could use the time to do something productive.  Read some of the assigned material, write a response to Book 4 of The Odyssey for my Greek Lit class, try to spit out some poetry for Poetry Writing.  Something.  Only, I seriously doubt my ability to comprehend anything that I read, and I really shouldn't try to put together a coherent response to the material I don't comprehend in the first place, not when I'm this sleep-deprived.  (It might actually be beneficial for my attempts at poetry, though.)

I've barely been keeping any food down this week.  I'm losing track of how many times I've been binging and purging in a day, it's that many.  I'm running seriously low on money, and I'm starting to feel the physical effects of the combined marathon-purging and lack of sleep.  On Wednesday I barely made it to Biblical Lit - the building is all the way across campus, and the entire walk over I felt like my head was disconnected from my body and my arms were numb.  Every limb felt like it was floating, moving independently of my mind - freakiest thing ever.  I finally made it to the building; I was ten minutes early and practically collapsed against the wall outside the classroom door.  It took me a while to collect myself, and even then I seriously considered handing in the undeniably shitty paper I'd been up all night writing and going straight back to my room.  I stuck around, but only because I didn't think I had the strength to walk back.  I nearly passed out in my desk.

I can't keep doing this.  Every day I wake up determined to make it through without binging or purging, but I always cave.  Always.  It's like I'm two people - one is dead-set on binging, refuses to acknowledge the trigger, and takes over my body the entire time; the other begs me not to do it, pleads with me to stop the entire time I'm eating, and is always left stranded when the time comes to purge.  That steely, determined person vanishes at the hard part, and now each time  purge I feel myself coming undone, weaker every time.  It hurts.  But I can't stop, I binge and purge even when I don't want to do it in the first place, and I don't know why.  When will I start listening to the other part of me, the one that asks me not to?

I feel like a ghost.  It's sick listening to the other girls on my floor laughing and talking to each other while I'm retching into my sink.  And I'm not sleeping and I feel like I'm drowning, constantly drowning in exhaustion and stress and lies, and I don't even know if I want to try getting back to the surface now, not when it would be so much easier, such a relief, to just stop.

I'm not suicidal.  Maybe it sounds that way, but I don't want to kill myself.  I am self-injuring, just scratching my arms, although hard enough to leave marks that last the entire day.  I like how raw it looks.  I'm a walking cliche, really; it's kind of pathetic.  But I'd cover myself in scars if it meant I wouldn't binge or purge anymore.  I'd trade.  It's horrible and wrong, but I would.  At least the marks fade - as it is I'm rotting away from the inside out.

There's this sick idea that I have, and it's that I need to be messed up in order to be interesting, or worthy of attention.  And that makes me reluctant to let go of my disorder, the thought that I'd be so ordinary without it.  That's probably common, but it really pains me to realize how much I associate my disorder with my identity, when the fact is I'd be myself without it - probably a better version of myself, in fact.  I know I have more to offer the world than plastic bags full of vomit, but it's harder than you'd think to remember that, when you feel like you're disappearing.

I'm probably going to regret posting such a long, angsty entry later, but hey, it's been nearly a week since I last updated and I wouldn't want to inadvertently bring about the apocalypse or anything.  I've been such a mess lately.  I don't know what I'm going to tell my mom when she comes up to see me this weekend.  I want to let someone know what's happening, but I also don't want to freak her out.  And if she knew how often I've been purging, and how depressed I feel, she'd have a panic attack or worse.  I'm meeting with a therapist next week, so since I know I'll sort of be laying everything out on the table then, I might just keep all this to myself for now.

Anyway, I'm really tired now, so I might just snag a few hours of sleep - it's better than nothing, right? 

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

Mentally, I'm Screaming With Frustration [Sep. 12th, 2008|06:14 pm]
[Tags|]
[Mood |totally indifferent. really.]

You know, this whole "get over The Professor and focus on recovering and liking yourself" thing would be a lot easier if said professor wasn't, apparently, familiar enough with my physique and manner of walking to recognize me from the back.

Of course, I guess it's hard to miss this ass.

Kidding.  I'm a six, for Christ's sake.  (I really wish I didn't have Stanley Tucci's voice saying "the new fourteen!" in my head right now.  Curse you, The Devil Wears Prada!)

Seriously, though.  She had to have been referring to my butt, because the angle of my umbrella would have obscured pretty much everything from the waist upwards.  And in order for her to recognize my butt, not to mention the way I walk, she must have paid some attention to the back view of me before.   But is that "paid attention" as in "happened to notice once or twice and has a good memory," or as in "paid attention"?

Right.  Not caring.  Just because there's a particular reason why I'm familiar with her shape and walk doesn't mean she knows mine for that same reason.  Besides, I was a terrible conversationalist just then, very negative.  She probably regrets getting my attention in the first place (yes, she spoke to me first for once - I'd walked right past without a word.  Come to think of it, that probably confused her so much that she couldn't help but check and see if it was me, since usually I approach her at every conceivable opportunity.)  So I really don't care.  Not about that, not about the fact that she apparently didn't get to sleep last night and that this happens often, not about the fact that she seems down and by her own admission hasn't been herself lately.  Nope.  As my brother would say: "UNFAZED."

I'm just gonna go bang my head against a wall now, k? 

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

A Less Globally Significant But Still Inconvenient Truth [Sep. 9th, 2008|01:10 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Mood |contemplative]
[Music |Linkin Park: "Numb"]

I had my initial consultation with a university counselor today.  I was pretty clear in the paperwork that I was concerned about my disorder and that it was my first priority (although really, I have enough other issues to go around).  But it turns out the counselor who usually leads a group for people with eating disorders is on maternity leave, so that group won't be available until next semester.  Obviously waiting that long isn't an option, so until then, I'm going to try general group therapy.  That starts on the 29th, although the counselor I met with said that I'd probably be asked to supplement group with private therapy specifically for my eating disorder.  Which is fine, really, since the counseling services are limited - usually ten sessions maximum.  It'd be nice if I could get a grip on things in that amount of time, but let's be honest - I'm more or less in the same spot I've been in, and I think it's going to take a lot more than ten sessions to get me on track.  I was going to group sessions three times a week over the summer and even that didn't make too much of a dent in my behavior.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll have to go through some kind of inpatient program before I can get myself out of this pattern.  I really hope not, but sometimes I think if that much outpatient group therapy didn't help, and being at school away from my supposedly triggering family isn't helping, maybe I'm not equipped to handle myself without supervision.  I hope I'm wrong.

But anyway, back to the point: I have a few names, so I guess I'll call around.  Some of the doctors have waiting lists, so hopefully I'll get in.  And I have to talk to my parents and see if I'll be covered by our insurance, especially since I'm out of state...it all seems complicated to me.

Well, the point is that I have a plan.  A vague plan, but still a plan, and it makes me feel better.  I don't feel like binging or purging so much now that my PMS is done with - it really does make it so much worse - so I'm feeling kind of optimistic about the whole thing at the moment.

Optimistic about that, but kind of sad in general, which is confusing.  Yesterday in particular was a downer, although most of that was me being a melodramatic idiot.  I'm not going to waste time on the details, but the bottom line is that I take things way too personally and can't seem to let them go.  They just stick in my head and beat me down and make me feel worthless, and next thing I know I'm throwing up in a plastic bag.  (What?  I'm being a considerate person and not taking out my angst on the community bathroom.)

And also, I've come to a realization that I'm reluctant to accept even though I know it's important.  I've gone on about a certain professor at great, probably headache-inducing length, so the situation's clear: I obsess abut her, sometimes she notices me, blah blah boring.  But in a rare moment of clarity - after purging, no less - I figured out the real problem: I can't care about her without hating myself for it.  For every loving thought I have about her, there's a little stab of self-loathing for me.  And since I think about her a lot...well, you see where this is going.

The solution is obvious: I need to get over her.  Just push her out of my mind and focus on helping myself, living my life.  Because what good does it to do devote so much thought and energy to something that's never going to happen?  I know that's what I need to do, that I'll be better off - I just wish the prospect didn't make me feel so panicky.  I think my fixation on her is a coping mechanism in itself - I have my nice little obsession to keep me from dealing with reality, but then I get too caught up in the fantasy and get hurt whenever reality intrudes, and my eating disorder functions partially as a coping mechanism for that.  That's fucked up.

And of course I've set a nice trap for myself by taking her class (and discussion section, no less), so I have to see her multiple times a week.  It'll make it harder to put her out of my mind. 

But I'm going to try.  I'm getting used to the idea, and I'm going to do what's best for me.  Really, she doesn't need my pathetic devotion, and I don't want to feel pathetic anymore.  Everyone wins. 

Right.  So I've got to leave for class in a minute...and I didn't do the reading.  Crap.  Later, gators.

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

My Voice Of Positivity Is Profane [Sep. 8th, 2008|10:16 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Mood |determined]

I'm getting that urge to restrict again, but that's just because I binged last night.  I'm on my period, so I'm not particularly hungry (never am the first couple of days), and I keep trying to use that to justify not eating: "Food will give me cramps; I'll get really bloated; I'm not hungry, why should I eat if I'm not hungry?"

Well, smack me gently with a sledgehammer.  Motrin will take care of cramps, I won't bloat if I stay away from salty foods, and eating something is better than eating nothing at all, even if I don't feel like it.  Breakfast is on, bitch.

*blink* I'm kind of aggressively positive today.  Must be a reaction to all the wallowing I did last night - I was a huge drama queen, really embarrassing.  In retrospect, I'm glad I kept it to myself.

And the fact that I'm on my period at least explains why I was particularly binge-happy this week.  I get cravings like none other the week before, but I've sort of lost the ability to separate a genuine craving and/or hunger from the urge to binge.  It makes me kind of sad to realize that I can no longer read my body the way I used to.  But hey, recovery will help with that, yes?

And to recover, I need to eat regularly.  So about that breakfast...

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

It Don't Do Me Any Good, It's Just A Waste Of Time [Sep. 6th, 2008|05:18 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Mood |confused]
[Music |Avril Lavigne: "Things I'll Never Say"]

Slipped again.  I'm trying not to beat myself up about it too much, because I wanted to all day and managed to defer it until now before giving in.  I figured out what was happening in my head, determined what I thought binging and purging was going to do to help, and in the end I caved in and did it because, okay, I was weak and tired and didn't want to deal.  I'll get to what I could have done in a second, but first let me describe what led up to it.

( I'll take any excuse, really. )

In retrospect, there are a lot of ways I could have handled the situation differently.  I could have called someone, could have written about it, hit something, taken deep breaths, a nap, anything, really.  But when you're used to a particular coping mechanism, trying anything else just seems incredibly unappealing.  Sometimes I'm able to fight it; sometimes I'm not.  But I think the fact that I at least tried to figure out what was going through my mind, and that I was able to determine how I thought binging and purging would benefit me - by distracting me - is a good thing, at least.

And, as always, tomorrow I can do better.  Actually, one slip in two days is a vast improvement compared to my behavior this past week - I'll try to look at it from that perspective.  I'm relieved that Tuesday's close now, because I'll feel stabler once my treatment here is set into motion.

I feel less relieved about the prospect of seeing Vicky in discussion section on Monday.  Odd that I can simultaneously want to be near her and want to avoid her.  I don't know what to think.  But hey, I'm not obsessing.  I'll just do the homework and try to participate in discussion without being obnoxious.  Nice and simple.

*buries head in arms*
LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

Not A Drunk Post, More Like Tipsy [Sep. 6th, 2008|02:09 am]
[Tags|]
[Mood |woozy]

I've gone the whole day without binging or purging!  Granted, I haven't gone to sleep yet, so there's still a chance...but I really don't think it's gonna happen since I'm planning on crashing as soon as I finish up here.

( Interesting day I've had... )

So.  It shook up the routine a little bit, anyway, and I don't regret anything even if I'm not particularly thrilled about it, either.  It was an experience.  And I think I'll just pass out now.  'Night.

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

Rules and Regulations [Sep. 5th, 2008|10:45 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[Mood |cheerful]
[Music |Belle & Sebastian: "Piazza, New York Catcher"]

I'm feeling oddly chipper at the moment.  Must have been the fourteen hours of sleep I got last night to make up for my all-nighter.  (I'm kind of surprised I was so coherent during my classes, because last time I did this I was no longer functioning properly by the time 4 p.m. rolled around.)  It's also insanely gorgeous outside today, so that probably has something to do with it.

Why do I feel the need to analyze a good mood?  I'm sitting here thinking, "I'm not miserable - what the hell?"  I should stop wondering why and just enjoy it.

Anyway, I'm taking my positive attitude as a good sign, because today marks the reassertion of my recovery efforts.  I had a week full of slips and setbacks, but it doesn't have to stay that way.  I'm honestly tired of this cycle, of wanting to hang onto it just for the sake of being messed up.  So with that in mind, I've set some new rules for myself:

1) Incorporate at least three different food groups into meals
2) Take a multivitamin daily
3) Keep all snacks in the range of 200 cals (I know, these numbers are supposed to be bad, but I have such an all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to eating - it either has to be a meal or a binge - that this restriction will help me avoid binging and purging)
4) Do not, under any circumstances, visit the mini food mart in the dorm - it's too tempting to stock up on binge foods
5) Stop withdrawing and keep the door open when I'm in my room - I've been slipping back into the habit of keeping it closed
6) If, for whatever reason, I feel like purging after a regular meal, call Mom or Dad and ask for their help distracting me until the urge passes - because it will

I think those are reasonable, and I should be more than able to stick to them.  And now I need to get ready for Psychology - and, crap, text Shannon, because I missed her call during my semi-coma yesterday - so I'm off.
LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

Still Awake [Sep. 4th, 2008|08:10 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Mood |hungry]

So I got to see the sun rise after all, albeit from behind a thick curtain of clouds - it's really crappy-looking out today.  I did try to go to bed, but my mind was humming - not with destructive, obsessive thoughts, just busily.  So I finished the reading for Greek Religion (I even - gasp - highlighted as I read), played approximately 5000 games of Solitaire (of which I won about four), and taught myself the Greek alphabet.  I've taught myself this alphabet like five times already, but dammit, this time it's going to stick, and I'm going to learn some actual words as well.  This is probably just the sleepless mania talking, but I'm motivated to do it.

Right now, though, my stomach is threatening to implode and kill me if I don't eat something.  So I'll slosh over to the dining hall (it's raining pretty heavily out there) and take care of that now.

Kind of dizzy.  Hope that doesn't, you know, affect my ability to learn.  Or walk.
LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

In Which I Sound Like A Total Stalker (But I'm Not. Seriously.) [Sep. 4th, 2008|12:52 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Mood |giddy]

Still not tired.  But I remembered that yesterday I started summarizing that ED analysis from a few days ago that I keep mentioning, but then stupid Firefox shut down out of nowhere and I lost it.  But okay, I'm currently riding a wave of insomnia, so there's no time like the present, right?

( I'm definitely going to give myself carpal tunnel if I keep this up. )

On a completely different note, it turns out that Voldemort isn't anorexic after all.  He's actually quite the voracious eater, and even as I type he's hovering around the top of the tank, giving me a look that says, "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"

Sandwich.  Fish pellets.  Same difference.  

I'm starting to feel a little lightheaded, so I might have to push that whole watching the sun rise thing to a later date.  Pity.

Link1 Let Sleeping Dogs Lie|Dead Men Tell No Tales

I Get Chatty Late At Night - Can You Tell? [Sep. 3rd, 2008|11:46 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Mood |awake]

Whoa, I got insanely productive all of a sudden.  I just annotated an essay to death and wrote a response to it in which I disagreed with basically everything the author said, critiqued two poems for tomorrow's workshop, and finished a poem of my own, all for my Poetry Writing class.  I'm sort of tired and buzzed at the same time and therefore very talkative, so I wrote all over the poems I had to critique.  My comments were really detailed, which I guess is good, but I can't help but worry that the guys who wrote the poems are going to read my long, rambly observations and think I'm insane.  Plus when I read my comments again with a clear head, I probably realize I wasn't nearly as insightful as I thought I was.

Oh, well.  At least I finished all the homework.

I still have to finish some reading for Greek Religion and choose a topic for the first paper in that class...but I'll probably just leave that until tomorrow - I'll have time before class.  (I can't believe I'm such a slacker already, but what are you gonna do?  Let's just say I work well under pressure.)

I had a fun night tonight - I went to Shannon's to watch the premiere of America's Next Top Model, and finally got to meet her roommate Jenny and some of her friends - Brianna, Cassie, and Stephanie, I think.  A couple other people popped in, but they popped out again before introductions could be made.  Anyway, they're pretty boistrous and hilarious, and generally seem like a fun crowd.  Although I think Grace was kind of uncomfortable with being called (jokingly) a fucktard.  It's understandable.

( In which I whine about my family. Again. )

I don't know.  I feel like I'm just looking for excuses to be annoyed with my parents.  I wish there was a way I could tell them that although I really appreciate their concern and support, I also need my space every now and then.  But that's just not an option.

Anyway, I'm stone cold awake at the moment, and I can't say I'm particularly inclined to settle down.  I guess I'll just read, surf the net, whatever, and see if I get tired, but for some reason I don't want to take my sleeping pills - or even sleep at all.  But at the same time I don't really feel an all-nighter coming on, although watching the sun come up does have a kind of appeal...

Oh my God, I'll just stop writing now.

Link1 Let Sleeping Dogs Lie|Dead Men Tell No Tales

A New Low [Sep. 3rd, 2008|10:40 am]
[Tags|]
[Mood |indescribable]
[Music |Sonic Youth: "Superstar"]

I had a bad night.   A very, very bad night.  Not the meeting (just one, since Fencing Club ran long and I figured I could email the Book Club president to get the info I missed), which was actually really interesting, but afterward.  I couldn't even post about it after the fact, because I was so ashamed, but I did write it down, so I'll type it out here:

( Brace yourself, 'cause it ain't pretty. )

So.  That kind of speaks for itself.  The worst part was that I was so aware of what I was doing - I kept thinking, "I don't have to do this; I could turn back right now.  Or now.  Or now..." but I never did.  

I'm still disgusted with myself, but if anything good has come of this, it's the realization that I can try so much harder.  I wouldn't admit it to myself, but I'm always looking for excuses to binge and purge, and then shrug it off as something I'm "working on."  But I'm not really working on it if I don't even try to stop myself, am I?  It's hard, so hard, but that's the point.  If it were easy to resist the compulsion to do it, I would have stopped a long time ago, or never started in the first place.

And now that I've slept on it (I did wind up going to bed, because I decided that there was really no point in "punishment"), I see that I have to contradict myself when I say I don't deserve help.  Because that's a load of crap: I deserve help just like every other person with this disorder.  Intellectually, I know I'm not the first person to have been in that situation, and that the fact that it happened doesn't mean I'm subhuman, just sick.  This is an illness - of the mind, not the body, but like an illness of the body it's nothing to be ashamed of.  It doesn't make me less of a person.  I have to believe that.

As painfully corny as it sounds, today is a new chance for me to make the right decisions.  I've said this to myself before, but I really do have to take it one meal, one temptation at a time.  I ate a balanced breakfast - that's good.  I felt compelled to throw up afterwards, which was distressing, but instead of making a beeline for the Pop Tarts (because let's face it, there's no point in throwing them out), I came here instead.  And now the urge has pretty much passed, so that's a success, too.  And after Psychology I'm going to reward myself by going to The Silver Spider (a little funky shop downtown) and getting a few new buttons for my bag.

I'll be okay.  Really.  Especially now that I feel this new commitment to recovering.  And I think it'll get easier once I'm seeing a therapist regularly, too, because the support and accountability will be welcome.  I can get better.  I have to.
Link2 Let Sleeping Dogs Lie|Dead Men Tell No Tales

[No Title Yet] [Sep. 2nd, 2008|06:59 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Mood |bouncy]

My cable's fixed!  Yay!  The only glitch was that the repair guy showed up just as I was about to leave for my Psychology section.  He worked quickly, but I still had to sprint to the building (of course it was the class located furthest from my dorm), and even then I was about five minutes late.  But the TA didn't really seem to care, I didn't miss any of the notes, and I can watch TV now, so I can't really complain.

It's interesting to think that I might not have been in my room to let the man in.  I was planning on hanging around downtown and grabbing a coffee instead of stopping by my room first - I had my stuff with me and everything - but on a last-minute impulse I decided to go back to my room instead, figuring it was too hot for coffee anyway.  So that was a fortunate turn of events, although I couldn't get over the fact that the guy knocked at the exact moment I was reaching for my bag, ready to walk out the door.  At least it all worked out.

So now I'm just killing time until I have to catch a bus to the Field House for Fencing Club.  I'm gonna try to cut out about fifteen minutes early so I can get on a bus back to the main part of campus for the Book Club meeting - I really want to make both.  

I'm in a pretty good mood, but I don't really feel like I deserve to be.  I binged and purged at lunchtime and I don't even know why.  I had the wrong mindset going in, I guess.  I picked "dangerous" foods - lots of carbs, lots of calories - that I don't feel like I can eat unless I purge them afterwards.  And then, because I'd resigned myself to purging, I bought chewy Chips Ahoy cookies and a bag of iced animal cookies on my way back to my room and ate half of both to complete the binge.  Because if I was going to do it, I had to feel justified in doing so.  I felt so sick right before I threw up - I'm surprised it didn't happen naturally.

Anyway, wow, this is lovely.  It's amazing to me how I forget how disgusting this topic must be to other people, yet I'm not even fazed by it anymore.  "Vomit?  That's supposed gross me out?  Whatever, man.  Doesn't affect me." 

But if there was one good thing I did, it was to throw away the rest of the cookies so I wouldn't be tempted to do it again.  And now I know how careful I have to be to choose balanced foods so I don't feel pressured to purge.

And I hate to end abruptly, but I have to meet Shannon downstairs so we can catch the bus together.  I'll probably post again later tonight with the scoop on the meetings.

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

My Fish Needs Therapy [Sep. 2nd, 2008|10:58 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[Mood |better]

Eating is definitely less stressful here - I had scrambled eggs, mixed fruit, a bagel, and a glass of milk for breakfast and I'm not freaking out at all.  I still feel kind of sick, though - nauseous, like food is caught in the back of my throat.  Maybe that's some kind of reflux?  I hope not.

Anyway, I called UCS and set up an appointment for next Tuesday at 11 (although technically I need to get there at 10:30 to fill out the appropriate paperwork).  Also called ITS about my faulty cable connection, so hopefully I'll hear from them before I go to class.  And speaking of class, I finally got my Psychology section officially changed, so that's cool.  It required more legwork than I thought it would - I had to go to one building to see the department coordinator, and then another across campus to actually turn in the form.  (Of course, the ED part of my brain is jumping up and down gleefully because of the extra exercise.)

I'm also a little concerned about Voldemort at the moment because he's not eating.  Yesterday and this morning he completely ignored his food when I fed him - I guess I should scoop it back out of the tank so the water doesn't get dirty, but what if he gets hungry later?  Still, it would be sickeningly appropriate if the girl with an eating disorder wound up with an anorexic fish.

He's cute, though.  He swims up to the glass when I go over to the tank, and the way he flutters the little fins on his sides makes him look like he's waving excitedly.  Not exactly dignified Dark Lord behavior, but still endearing.

Great - I'm all attached now.  I better not kill him.

And...I should do homework now, since I have a busy (yay!) evening ahead of me.  That's not to say I will - odds are I'll be immediately distracted by something else as soon as I finish this entry - but I should.  And eventually I'm going to have to post the summarized ED-analysis and Twilight rant I've mentioned.  So much to say...and so few who give a damn, haha.  Later.

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

A Disease Of The Mind, It Can Control You [Sep. 1st, 2008|10:04 pm]
[Tags|]
[Mood |distressed]
[Music |Rihanna: "Disturbia"]

I feel like such a loser posting so often, but I'm driving myself crazy looking at thinspiration and restricting tips and I just need to stop already.  I don't know why I'm doing it - boredom, maybe, or as a means of procrastination.  I haven't even started writing my Book 3 response yet - I decided I should check my email first, and then I read today's LJSecret post and was distracted by all the eating disorder-related secrets.  I got up and stared at myself in the mirror for a while, from a bunch of different angles, and started stressing out because my ribcage and hipbones weren't as prominent as I wanted them to be.  And then I guess the idea of thinspiration floated into my head...and here I am.

I have such a strong urge to look in the mirror again, like my body's changed in the last half hour or something.  It doesn't make sense.

I was so happy and energetic last week when I was eating properly.  I had a system: concentrate on getting a variety of healthy foods instead of concentrating on calories, and finish everything on my tray.  I would eat a balanced meal, feel comfortably full, and stop thinking about it as soon as I left the dining hall.  Then four or five hours later I'd eat again, same system.  Simple as that.  And I didn't even gain any weight.  So why am I suddenly scared by the thought of eating a normal meal?  I just have it in my head that if I eat, I'll have to purge, and since I don't want to purge I figure I'll just avoid the whole situation by not eating anything.

I know I keep saying this, but going home really threw me off-balance.  I'm just praying that tomorrow morning I'll have settled down and will be able to eat a normal breakfast without agonizing over it, or throwing it up afterwards.  I'm starting to see the effects on my teeth - they're getting kind of transparent at the edges, so that when I press my tongue against them I can see tinges of pink.  Frankly, it scares the hell out of me.

All right, enough.  Happy thoughts: I'll start learning how to fence tomorrow, and I'll meet lots of people who are interested in swords, books, or both.  I'm going to have a nice conversation with Vicky at some point this week, probably Friday during her office hours, and I will look damn hot while doing so.  I'll meet with a counselor and figure out a treatment plan so I don't feel stranded up here.  I'm going to enjoy my classes tomorrow because I've prepared for them and I'm interested in the subjects, and I'll have no problem doing the same for my other classes this week.  There is nothing for me to be anxious or upset about right now.

*deep breath*  So.  I'm going to reread the scene with Helen and Aphrodite, and I'm going to jot down a few ideas for my response paper.  I don't have to write it, I just have to put a little thought into it so I have something to work with tomorrow.  Once I've done that, I'm going to go to sleep so I'm rested and ready for tomorrow.

Okay.

(Also, is it weird that I associate this song with my eating disorder?  I think it applies, but maybe that's just me.)
LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

Not What I Had In Mind [Sep. 1st, 2008|07:49 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Mood |tired]

Just tracking my progress - for three hours, there wasn't much.

1) Finish packing my stuff, including tonight's laundry, the other DVDs I wanted to bring home, and a little pencil sharpener
2) Call UCS.  Set up appointment.
3) Call ITS about cable (again).  Tell them an appropriate time to call me back in my message so I don't miss their call this time.
4) Email girl from original Psych section so we can arrange to officially switch sections within the next couple of days
5) Read the essays in Poetry Writing packet and try to develop an intelligent response
6) Finish Greek Religion reading and pick possible paper topics from syllabus
7) Make an appearance on Facebook.  Respond to messages.
8) Either call Shannon or socialize with people on my floor, but human interaction is called for
9) Check and see if I can access the research participation site for Psychology; if so, print user info for section
10) Formulate brilliant, insightful one-page response to Book 3 of The Iliad

I'm not going to call UCS or ITS until tomorrow, obviously, given that it's already 8.  I kind of doubt they were taking calls today anyway, what with it being a holiday weekend and all that.  If you take those off the list, it looks like I accomplished more.  And I guess I can take socializing off, too, because I no longer feel up to human interaction - I binged and purged earlier and it made me feel kind of sick and drained.  Hence my lack of productivity.

That just happens sometimes: I do it too often and it starts taking its toll on me.  Usually, though, it's barely a blip in my routine.  Last semester it was practically an item on my to-do list: read a chapter of Linguistics, outline English paper, binge and purge, check Facebook, retype notes, etc.  I'd be thinking calmly of what I was going to do next as I was throwing up, like, "Once I'm done here, I'll print the lecture outline for my Evolution class and check my email, then I can just kill time until Roman Civ." 

It was a tad fucked up.

Anyway, the ill effects are kind of inconvenient now, since I was hoping for my energy to last through the evening so I could finish everything I wanted to.  As it is I barely managed to read a few pages about ancient rural cults, print off a web page, and send an email.  And now I'm sitting around watching Voldemort explore his tank and feeling sorry for myself when I really should suck it up and resolve to do better tomorrow, and then tackle my response to The Iliad so I'm not stressed out about that tomorrow evening while I'm trying to enjoy my first Book Club and Fencing Club meetings.

Knowing I have a busy schedule tomorrow night is heartening, at least.  It should be fun - I'll meet a lot of new people, so I'm bound to get along with some of them.  And it's not like I have that much work to do - the response should be a cinch, since it's only supposed to be a page long and can be about any aspect of Book 3.  I'll probably write about Helen's interaction with Aphrodite, since I found it interesting that one second she's calling herself a whore and dog-faced, and the next she's mouthing off to a goddess.  Conflicting much?  I think so.

Hmm.  I guess I'll just get my thoughts down and see what develops, and then I'll turn it into something presentable.  I should at least start, though, and I won't do that as long as I'm distracted by the internet, so I'm outta here.

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

The Dark Lord Wants A Sandwich [Sep. 1st, 2008|05:03 pm]
[Tags|]
[Mood |cheerful]

I forgot to add "buy a betta; set up fish tank" to my to-do list, but that's what I just finished doing.  He didn't look like a Jacques, so I named him Voldemort instead.  The bold is completely necessary, and his name should be pronounced in such a way that the boldness is obvious, e.g., "Voldemort is hungry.  Voldemort demands turkey on white bread, no mayo.  If Voldemort detects the presence of mayo, he will Avada Kedavra the ass of the one responsible."

He's a very attractive fish, actually: dark red with iridescent scales along his back and dramatically billowing fins.  I saved him from a slow, anonymous death under the fluorescent lights of the local Wal*Mart, so he owes me.  He can repay me by not dying within a week.

So I'm very pleased with my fish, very happy to be back and settled in, and very much required to do homework now.  Toodles.

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

This Entry Was Brought To You By Coffee-Flavored Ice Cream [Aug. 31st, 2008|10:54 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Mood |awake]
[Music |Katy Perry: "I Kissed A Girl"]

I'm feeling better now, although that's probably because I'm going back to Iowa tomorrow.  I'd feel worse about that if not for the fact that my urge to restrict seems to have passed with the prospect of leaving home - I ate a lot for dinner (we went to Rich & Charlie's, an Italian restaurant, and I ate an entire bowl of pasta con broccoli, a side salad soaked in dressing, and a pretty thick chunk of bread), and then got ice cream afterward.  Baskin-Robbin's Jamocha ice cream in a waffle cone...*moans*  So delicious. 

Uh, anyway.  The point is that I ate all that and I'm not obsessively thinking about it, other than to rhapsodize about the taste-orgasm that is Jamocha.  I just came home, put in a load of laundry (and resisted the urge to snack while hidden in the laundry room, which also contains the pantry), and packed up most of my stuff.  I realized too late that I should've brought a bigger suitcase, because the extra things I'm bringing with me - some sweatshirts, books, and DVDs - took up more space than I thought they would.  Well, live and learn.

I also turned in my first assignment for Poetry Writing - we had to email them to Sara, our teacher, who's going to compile them into one document that she'll send us tomorrow.  This is different from the last writing class I took, when the only time we got to read others' assignments was when we were critiquing them for the workshop.  Because I was really unproductive and pressed for time, I wound up turning in a poem I wrote last weekend instead of writing a new one.  The thing is, it's about my eating disorder - a purge, as a matter of fact - and although it isn't particularly graphic, I'm nervous about the reactions people might have to it.  I don't want to seem like an attention whore, but it's a pretty important, emotionally significant part of my life -  is it any surprise that I write about it?

I just hope that people don't think I'm pushing it in their faces.  Really, the poem is supposed to be about loneliness, not an eating disorder per se.  But since my feelings of total isolation contributed so much to my disorder, it's only natural that I connect the two in my writing.

So, we'll see.  I like the poem I'm working on for Thursday better anyway, although it's still depressing.  Maybe Sara will give me the phone number for UCS like my last writing professor - it can be a sort of tradition.  Ha.

( Conflict. Resolution. )

Okay then.  Before I wrap this up, here are the things that have to happen tomorrow, both before and after I get back to Iowa:

1) Finish packing my stuff, including tonight's laundry, the other DVDs I wanted to bring home, and a little pencil sharpener
2) Call UCS.  Set up appointment.
3) Call ITS about cable (again).  Tell them an appropriate time to call me back in my message so I don't miss their call this time.
4) Email girl from original Psych section so we can arrange to officially switch sections within the next couple of days
5) Read the essays in Poetry Writing packet and try to develop an intelligent response
6) Finish Greek Religion reading and pick possible paper topics from syllabus
7) Make an appearance on Facebook.  Respond to messages.
8) Either call Shannon or socialize with people on my floor, but human interaction is called for
9) Check and see if I can access the research participation site for Psychology; if so, print user info for section
10) Formulate brilliant, insightful one-page response to Book 3 of The Iliad

And that should be more than enough for one day.  Whyyyy was I so lazy this weekend?!  Argh.  

One last thing: this song will not get out of my head.  Will not.  And it's driving me slowly, painfully insane. 

On that note, good night.

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

Home Sweet Home [Aug. 31st, 2008|04:36 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Mood |bitchy]

Still in restriction mode.  I made myself eat something for breakfast, but the stress of eating as little as I could get away with on top of knowing I'll be going out to eat tonight triggered a binge/purge session.  Not that this is shocking or anything - it didn't stop when I got back to school, just slowed down - but it's the first time in about a week that I've b/p-ed two days in a row, so I'm kind of disappointed.

...God, my dad freaks out over the fucking dumbest things.  He's all pissed at the moment because the Rocky DVD is skipping.  Annoying?  Yes.  Cause for nuclear meltdown?  Not exactly.

Christ.  Anyway, I should probably sequester myself upstairs so I don't binge (and therefore purge) again before we go out to eat.  To be honest, I'll be glad when I'm back in Iowa, because the whole food situation isn't nearly as stressful there.  Plus this has been a really boring weekend, and I didn't even get a lot of homework done because I'm out of my structured school environment.  I knew coming home was a crappy idea, not that it was mine to begin with.

(Sigh)  I'm all tense and aggravated now.  I'll should just finish Genesis and then try to relax until my mom gets home, but I have the feeling I'm not going to be a stellar conversationalist over dinner.  Whatever.

LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

Two Steps Back [Aug. 30th, 2008|01:10 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Mood |cold]

I'm not sure what my damage was today, but for the first time since I went back to school I was overwhelmingly tempted to restrict.  I made myself eat, but I could feel the wheels of obsession turning in my mind, going over everything I ate and berating myself for what I perceived as "excess." 

I don't even feel good for making the right decision, just anxious and depressed.  I'm beating myself up about not limiting my eating while I had the chance.  I'm upset that I'm already planning to sneak in as much working out as I can tomorrow, and I'm afraid I'll binge and purge, too.  I'm worried about having to weigh in, because my mom already said she'd be upset if I lost weight, which I know I did (although it's interesting that she thinks I look healthier now, a few pounds lighter, than I did a week ago...more proof to me that the actual number is inconsequential).  I feel like a horrible person for not wanting to be home, but so many things related to home are triggering: the easy access to food, a treadmill, places to purge...not to mention that stifling feeling.

It's really demoralizing to think you're making progress and then realize your usual thought processes are still there and going strong.  I feel like one little push could send me right back where I was last semester.  I'm already starting to have trouble sleeping again despite my medication, I'm still stupidly fixated on Vicky, the obsessive thoughts are obviously still there.  It would be so easy shut myself up in my room again, steadily pushing people away while I lock myself into my own fucked-up head.  As long as I keep moving forward I can keep it at bay, but the second something makes me pause, all of it will catch up, like the weight of a swimmer's hair: they don't feel it until they stop moving, and then it clings in heavy clumps to their skin and drags them down.

And the worst part is that I almost want it to happen.  A sick part of me actually enjoys knowing I'm screwed up. That sick part keeps asking, "If I got better, what would set me apart?  Who would I be?  I'd have nothing - no identity, no coping mechanisms, no excuses."  I may not ever be entirely ready to recover, because sometimes it seems like anything, even slow corrosion from the inside out, is preferable to confronting whatever it is I'm trying to avoid through my disorder. 

I don't know what to do.  I'm too tired to think about this right now.  I hate tossing around cliches, even at two in the morning, but I'm just going to have to take tomorrow one step at a time and ask for help if I need it.  Hopefully by the time I wake up this feeling will have passed, or at least dulled, but right now I need to get some sleep.
LinkDead Men Tell No Tales

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