| Rules and Regulations |
[Sep. 5th, 2008|10:45 am] |
I'm feeling oddly chipper at the moment. Must have been the fourteen hours of sleep I got last night to make up for my all-nighter. (I'm kind of surprised I was so coherent during my classes, because last time I did this I was no longer functioning properly by the time 4 p.m. rolled around.) It's also insanely gorgeous outside today, so that probably has something to do with it.
Why do I feel the need to analyze a good mood? I'm sitting here thinking, "I'm not miserable - what the hell?" I should stop wondering why and just enjoy it.
Anyway, I'm taking my positive attitude as a good sign, because today marks the reassertion of my recovery efforts. I had a week full of slips and setbacks, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I'm honestly tired of this cycle, of wanting to hang onto it just for the sake of being messed up. So with that in mind, I've set some new rules for myself:
1) Incorporate at least three different food groups into meals
2) Take a multivitamin daily
3) Keep all snacks in the range of 200 cals (I know, these numbers are supposed to be bad, but I have such an all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to eating - it either has to be a meal or a binge - that this restriction will help me avoid binging and purging)
4) Do not, under any circumstances, visit the mini food mart in the dorm - it's too tempting to stock up on binge foods
5) Stop withdrawing and keep the door open when I'm in my room - I've been slipping back into the habit of keeping it closed
6) If, for whatever reason, I feel like purging after a regular meal, call Mom or Dad and ask for their help distracting me until the urge passes - because it will
I think those are reasonable, and I should be more than able to stick to them. And now I need to get ready for Psychology - and, crap, text Shannon, because I missed her call during my semi-coma yesterday - so I'm off.
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| Not What I Had In Mind |
[Sep. 1st, 2008|07:49 pm] |
Just tracking my progress - for three hours, there wasn't much.
1) Finish packing my stuff, including tonight's laundry, the other DVDs I wanted to bring home, and a little pencil sharpener
2) Call UCS. Set up appointment.
3) Call ITS about cable (again). Tell them an appropriate time to call me back in my message so I don't miss their call this time.
4) Email girl from original Psych section so we can arrange to officially switch sections within the next couple of days
5) Read the essays in Poetry Writing packet and try to develop an intelligent response
6) Finish Greek Religion reading and pick possible paper topics from syllabus
7) Make an appearance on Facebook. Respond to messages.
8) Either call Shannon or socialize with people on my floor, but human interaction is called for
9) Check and see if I can access the research participation site for Psychology; if so, print user info for section
10) Formulate brilliant, insightful one-page response to Book 3 of The Iliad
I'm not going to call UCS or ITS until tomorrow, obviously, given that it's already 8. I kind of doubt they were taking calls today anyway, what with it being a holiday weekend and all that. If you take those off the list, it looks like I accomplished more. And I guess I can take socializing off, too, because I no longer feel up to human interaction - I binged and purged earlier and it made me feel kind of sick and drained. Hence my lack of productivity.
That just happens sometimes: I do it too often and it starts taking its toll on me. Usually, though, it's barely a blip in my routine. Last semester it was practically an item on my to-do list: read a chapter of Linguistics, outline English paper, binge and purge, check Facebook, retype notes, etc. I'd be thinking calmly of what I was going to do next as I was throwing up, like, "Once I'm done here, I'll print the lecture outline for my Evolution class and check my email, then I can just kill time until Roman Civ."
It was a tad fucked up.
Anyway, the ill effects are kind of inconvenient now, since I was hoping for my energy to last through the evening so I could finish everything I wanted to. As it is I barely managed to read a few pages about ancient rural cults, print off a web page, and send an email. And now I'm sitting around watching Voldemort explore his tank and feeling sorry for myself when I really should suck it up and resolve to do better tomorrow, and then tackle my response to The Iliad so I'm not stressed out about that tomorrow evening while I'm trying to enjoy my first Book Club and Fencing Club meetings.
Knowing I have a busy schedule tomorrow night is heartening, at least. It should be fun - I'll meet a lot of new people, so I'm bound to get along with some of them. And it's not like I have that much work to do - the response should be a cinch, since it's only supposed to be a page long and can be about any aspect of Book 3. I'll probably write about Helen's interaction with Aphrodite, since I found it interesting that one second she's calling herself a whore and dog-faced, and the next she's mouthing off to a goddess. Conflicting much? I think so.
Hmm. I guess I'll just get my thoughts down and see what develops, and then I'll turn it into something presentable. I should at least start, though, and I won't do that as long as I'm distracted by the internet, so I'm outta here.
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| This Entry Was Brought To You By Coffee-Flavored Ice Cream |
[Aug. 31st, 2008|10:54 pm] |
I'm feeling better now, although that's probably because I'm going back to Iowa tomorrow. I'd feel worse about that if not for the fact that my urge to restrict seems to have passed with the prospect of leaving home - I ate a lot for dinner (we went to Rich & Charlie's, an Italian restaurant, and I ate an entire bowl of pasta con broccoli, a side salad soaked in dressing, and a pretty thick chunk of bread), and then got ice cream afterward. Baskin-Robbin's Jamocha ice cream in a waffle cone...*moans* So delicious.
Uh, anyway. The point is that I ate all that and I'm not obsessively thinking about it, other than to rhapsodize about the taste-orgasm that is Jamocha. I just came home, put in a load of laundry (and resisted the urge to snack while hidden in the laundry room, which also contains the pantry), and packed up most of my stuff. I realized too late that I should've brought a bigger suitcase, because the extra things I'm bringing with me - some sweatshirts, books, and DVDs - took up more space than I thought they would. Well, live and learn.
I also turned in my first assignment for Poetry Writing - we had to email them to Sara, our teacher, who's going to compile them into one document that she'll send us tomorrow. This is different from the last writing class I took, when the only time we got to read others' assignments was when we were critiquing them for the workshop. Because I was really unproductive and pressed for time, I wound up turning in a poem I wrote last weekend instead of writing a new one. The thing is, it's about my eating disorder - a purge, as a matter of fact - and although it isn't particularly graphic, I'm nervous about the reactions people might have to it. I don't want to seem like an attention whore, but it's a pretty important, emotionally significant part of my life - is it any surprise that I write about it?
I just hope that people don't think I'm pushing it in their faces. Really, the poem is supposed to be about loneliness, not an eating disorder per se. But since my feelings of total isolation contributed so much to my disorder, it's only natural that I connect the two in my writing.
So, we'll see. I like the poem I'm working on for Thursday better anyway, although it's still depressing. Maybe Sara will give me the phone number for UCS like my last writing professor - it can be a sort of tradition. Ha.
( Conflict. Resolution. )
Okay then. Before I wrap this up, here are the things that have to happen tomorrow, both before and after I get back to Iowa:
1) Finish packing my stuff, including tonight's laundry, the other DVDs I wanted to bring home, and a little pencil sharpener
2) Call UCS. Set up appointment.
3) Call ITS about cable (again). Tell them an appropriate time to call me back in my message so I don't miss their call this time.
4) Email girl from original Psych section so we can arrange to officially switch sections within the next couple of days
5) Read the essays in Poetry Writing packet and try to develop an intelligent response
6) Finish Greek Religion reading and pick possible paper topics from syllabus
7) Make an appearance on Facebook. Respond to messages.
8) Either call Shannon or socialize with people on my floor, but human interaction is called for
9) Check and see if I can access the research participation site for Psychology; if so, print user info for section
10) Formulate brilliant, insightful one-page response to Book 3 of The Iliad
And that should be more than enough for one day. Whyyyy was I so lazy this weekend?! Argh.
One last thing: this song will not get out of my head. Will not. And it's driving me slowly, painfully insane.
On that note, good night.
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